By Yoshi Yui
We at Swallow Media™ are trying to understand why this cruel, unjust criminal judicial system is still trying to lock up one of 2018’s most hardworking and seasoned pedophiles.
We sat down with 6ix9ine to tutor him for his court mandated GED retake. It didn’t take long before the starry-eyed artist got distracted with his dreams. Luckily, it seems that being in court hasn’t affected his work ethic and artistry in the slightest.
“Look man I did that shit everyone knows it. I just have to pass my GED and maybe I won’t go to jail. I don’t know how I’m going to pass that test, but I’m still posting to SoundCloud. My shit’s bumping,” says 6ix9ine.
At first, we at Swallow™ were just glad to see that a silly little pedophilia charge wasn’t going to stop this blossoming young man from reaching his full potential. Because that’s what a man does. A man pushes people out of the way and becomes. We just didn’t realize the full extent of Tekashi’s drive and personal understanding of responsibility.
“I want to be one of the greats. Like Jared from Subway, you know? That’s my competition. I’m going to grind every day even if it means I have to somehow pass this GED so I don’t go to prison and can become what I’ve always known I could be. I want to be a master jail baiter, not a jailed masturbater”
What a beautiful sentiment. But how exactly does he plan to pass that unbeatable science section of his previously failed GED? Well we asked him and here’s his answer:
“I don’t know about that science section, man, that shit is wack. I shouldn’t have to learn science to stop molesting little girls, that doesn’t even make sense.”
That is true, that doesn’t even make sense. Shit is wack.
“There’s innovators in the game, though. And that’s who I keep my sights on. Puff Diddy kept those women in his house for like 40 years and none of them even complained. None of them even knew that something was wrong, for a while there. That’s genius. That’s lightning in a bottle.”
While Tekashi is admittedly having a Meek Mill’s Baby Mama Phase, he promises to get back to becoming a better known pedophile as soon as the courts are off his back.
“Aint noone else’s babymama bitch gonna suck this dick til’ cash starts pouring out my balls you know what I’m saying?”