Desiigner contracts vocal disorder, now speaks like a normal fucking human being

By Kai Hellberg

Having a jumbled vocal delivery with no discernible understanding of the English language is ideal for every rapper. Icons like Young Thug and Future didn’t achieve elite statuses because people could understand them.

But now hip-hop phenom Desiigner is faced with a crippling predicament.

After performing a studio rendition of his soon-to-be-released single “Timmy Turner 2: The Two Towers,” he went home to his modest Atlanta abode.

The next morning, he woke up realizing he was speaking like a normal human being!

He tried as much as he could to correct his speech patterns by adding his famous ad-libs like “Drrrrrrrrrah!” and “Gih gih gih” but to no avail.

“It was an incredibly tense and saddening moment for me,” he said. “After years of training to become the greatest rapper who ever lived, I’ve been hit with a dose of reality I never expected.”

The cause of the incident was Foreign Accent Syndrome. A normal person with an accent they’ve used for years can have their accent suddenly changed overnight due to changing neuron structures, or something. I’m not actually sure. The disorder is extremely rare, I know that much.

For Desiigner, that accent he uses is that of a normal fucking member of society.

But don’t fret, Desiigner fan! The rapper has plans to use his newly-acquired vocals for a different musical project. His normal intonation and proper enunciation of basic English lexicon will be used for a new folk music album, one he will record under the name “Lightning Is Bright LMAO.”

He says he will leave Kanye West’s shadow to enter Father John Misty’s on this journey.

“I think that guy is a cool dude. It’s probably because he’s not uncool. That would suck. Shit.”

We pray for Desiigner and his family members and wish him the best of luck in his new venture.

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