Florida Man Calls Police on Walt Disney Statue, Demands “One Year Supply of Drugs and Purple Fanta”

By Courtany Schick

Florida Man final.jpg

ORLANDO, June 26, 2018–Early this morning, on a visit alone to Disney World from the Florida Panhandle (more commonly known as the Redneck Riviera), Florida Man, 49, called the police upon entering the park, because he felt like someone was watching him. Audio recordings of the call report him saying to the dispatch officer, “For years, my only desire besides consuming drugs has been the hope that one day I can say, ‘I’m going to Disney World!’, and now that I’m here, there’s this really really really really big, creepy dude, and YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY THAT, giving me sexy-time eyes while his kid watches. I’m uncomfortable to say the least. Do you want me to continue?”

He was technically correct, although the Walt Disney and accompanying Mickey Mouse statue that he was referring to are in no ways biologically related. A spokesperson for the park went on record saying, “Yes, through our Walt camera, the park was monitoring Florida Man, due to his very curly hair and suspiciously large nose.

“We use micro-cameras within many statues, character costumes (especially the princesses), and Star WarsÔ lightsabers to keep an eye on guests for sex safety reasons only. Get your collectable lightsaber today for a discount that’s out of this galaxy!” the spokesperson continued.

A statement supplied by the amusement park’s Public Relations department notes, “Florida Man has demanded we provide him with a ‘one year supply of drugs and purple Fanta’ or he will bring his ‘gators to wrestle us’. We will be settling outside of court, because we are sick of the ACLU crying ‘anti-Semitism’ and ‘mouse fucker’ on us. It’s not bestiality if it’s an animatronic, okay?”

Florida Man did not return our request for comment. He was last seen trying to tear the statue down yelling, “YOU WON’T GIVE ME AIDS, I’LL GIVE YOU AIDS!”

Swallow Media reporters are pursuing further details. As information develops, updates will follow.

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