Oh No! Lil Uzi Vert drafted by South Korean military, cancels world tour

By Kai Hellberg

Bad news for any fans of Lil Uzi Vert.

The Philadelphia-based rapper recently received the news that he was drafted by the South Korean military, meaning he will be legally obligated to served in the armed forces for two years.

This will also mean that Lil Uzi Vert will have to cancel his “666 Suck My Dick” tour in response to this tragic news.

“Though many fans will be hurt by this, I respect the Korean court’s decision and will try to maintain my motivation through my years of service,” he said.

Technically, the Korean war was never officially ended, meaning that North and South Korea are still at war with each other. Because the rapper is a Korean-born male between the ages of 18 and 35, he falls in the conscription’s ballpark.

Though he’s known to be from Pennsylvania, Lil Uzi Vert was actually born across the Pacific in Seoul. While in the country, his birth mother left him on the street and fled the country. Crying on the side of the street, Uzi was discovered by Lee Kun-hee, the current chairman of Samsung. He adopted the rapper out of sheer compassion. But a year later, Lee Kun abandoned Lil Uzi Vert to an american family on holiday from Philadelphia because he could no longer take the rapper’s incessant moaning for no apparent reason.

Watching Vert from a distance, Lee Kun could’ve never predicted that the thing he fostered would eventually blow up. But here we are.

Lil Uzi Vert’s return to stardom following this two-year period will be tough to predict. But with millions of fans currently backing him, it’s safe to say the rapper will not be forgotten


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