Review: Drake’s “Scorpion” fails on its promise to have every song named “Jeff”

 

To think that Drake was someone trustworthy enough to deliver on his musical projects was complete disillusionment.

The world was wowed by his previous projects “Take Care” and “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late,” albums that emphatically screamed “Yo, if I make an album called ‘Scorpion’ in the year 2018, imma name every song on the album ‘Jeff.'”

It seems that this potentially game-changing move for the rap world was a mere farce by Drake, a cleverly calculated attempt to sell more records and earn higher streaming numbers.

But that isn’t to say this marketing tactic employed by the Canadian rapper wasn’t effective. It certainly worked. There wasn’t a person on this planet who wasn’t excited to see an album with every song titled “Jeff.”

“This ‘Jeff’ album will go down as the greatest record ever to grace the music world,” P Diddy said. “Mark my words.”

“I’ve never experienced a full-body orgasm in my life but as soon as this ‘Jeff’ album gets dropped, I’m going completely tantric and letting my body enter a different dimension,” Lil Wayne said.

“If this album comes out, I’m cancelling every Beatles, Wings, and solo album I’ve ever been a part of releasing and forfeiting my greatness to the almighty Drake,” Sir Paul McCartney said.

But alas, this 25-song burnout blew any preconceived elation towards “Scorpion” to small, insignificant pieces.

The album lacks all, if any, references to Jeff, leaving our writing staff, and millions of others completely disenchanted and frustrated.

With a crushing weight of expectations on him, Drake had to at least think once to maybe title every song “Jeff” in order to appease his massive following who were expecting every song to be named “Jeff.” Perhaps the months and months he spent in the boardroom with his OVO colleagues caused him to crack under this immense pressure. Or perhaps it was the Pusha T diss-track titled “Man There’s No Way Drake Can Make An Album With All The Songs Titled ‘Jeff.'”

Either Pusha was right, or he is single-handedly responsible for obliterating Drake’s confidence to carry out this adventurous project he promised for so long.

So here we are. “Scorpion” features no songs titled “Jeff” and not a single mention of “Jeff” within the lyrics, making it the most saddening release of the decade, sure to tarnish any remnants of Drake’s career.

If we believed in God, we’d assume he’d smite Drake with a fearsome bolt of lightning at the earliest possibility.

0/10

 

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