Kanye West Hospitalized After Taking a Bleach Bath to Become White

By Yoshi Yui

Kanye West has come out as transracial, now identifying as a white person. West calls Caitlin Jenner an inspiration. “Deep down, I always knew I was white. Because white people get all the love. And I get all the love. White people are the dopest. The flyest. And I am also the dopest and the flyest. It’s really the only logical explanation.”

He explains that he was too afraid to make a public announcement about it until he found the best surgeon to perform his racial transplant. As it turns out, that surgeon does not exist. Kanye being kanye, he wouldn’t let this stop him.

“First, I bleached my hair. That went great, but I just looked like a black man with an albino person’s hair. It wasn’t enough, and I craved a more permanent solution,” explained Ye.

He says the idea of bleaching his skin came to him after spending 30 days hold up in a hotel room, racking up roughly $782,000 in miscilaneous charges and room service. “I thought of the bleach bath thing naturally, like anyone else would, held up in a $6000 a night hotel room for a month boofing room service carts full of desserts,” explains Kanye. “It’s like a baptism. You go in the spicy milk and come out a new-born, white man.”

Despite his family urging him not to take a bleach bath, telling him how absolutely terrible this idea was, he submerged himself in bleach and stayed in the bath for about an hour.

“It was burning a whole lot, especially around my butthole and my enormous penis,” explained Kanye, “Even the biggest, gigantigest penises will feel pain when submerged in bleach for an hour, so I figured I just bear through it until all the black came off.”

His entire body was affected by the bleach bath, so a normal skin graft was not an option. Five fans in the area heard about the emergency and rushed to the hospital to offer their skin as a donation. Kanye allegedly turned them down because they were “not white enough.”

We still await comments from the hospital staff, but we’re fairly certain West will have to re-schedule his meeting with Brett Kavanaugh.

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