Action Bronson Opens a Restaurant Where Every Dish is Covered in Sweat

By Yoshi Yui

Action Bronson has made waves on social media today with the exciting announcement of his new restaurant “The Sweat Lodge Hip-Hop Bistro,” due to open sometime in 2019. With his stardom being a huge leg-up against competing resteraunterus, investors were excited to jump in on the project without knowing much about it at all. As Elon Musk would say, Bronson has funding secured.

Bronson describes the concept as “a Hip-Hop-themed meat palace,” and claims that their high-end dishes will be at all-time low prices for one simple reason: everything is drenched in sweat.

Bronson explains that “salt prices are through the roof recently, so we had to figure out a way to cut back on buying salt. One of my line cooks pointed out that the minestrone was particularly salty one day, despite us cutting back our salt use for our team meal to save money. We realized the salt was coming from my own forehead. All of a sudden, it was like, EUREKA! A way to save money on salt! So I ordered the entire kitchen staff to stop dinner service and start harvesting my sweat for future use.”

Bronson is excited to have formulated a special recipes that combine pouring pre-packaged bottles of sweat into anything they make as well as just letting some extra drip in off of his brow and from under his tiddies.

“I can’t wait for everyone to try my food” says Bronson. “Sure, the smell of most of this stuff is quite horrid, but it tastes just like regular salt.”

DJ Akademiks is slated to be the in-house DJ for The Sweat Lodge Hip-Hop Bistro for the rest of his sad, sad life.

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