By John Marc Degaard
Rock revival should’ve died when Joshua Homme decided to be a cunt and kick a camerawoman in the face, but today we were faced with something much worse.
Things aren’t looking so good with Greta Van Fleet. Major music media outlets have took to rip on their music and image to shreds, and a swarm of simultaneous douche heroes with names like Owen and Seth took to the wild wild west of internet forums to express further laughter upon the band. Now it appears the band have met their untimely doom.
All four members of Greet My Ball Heat have been found mysteriously dead in their mother’s basement last night. An autopsy has yet to be performed, but a witness states that the basement wreaked of marijuana.
“I don’t know what happened” said an unnamed witness. “All I found were these cheap needles filled with THC oil. These boys appeared to be experimenting with substances beyond their control.”
At the scene of the investigation, what appeared to be a suicide note addressed to a melon made prominent headway. With discretion and consideration to the band’s family, we’ve decided to only show a snippet of the note.
“Fuck you Melon. We’re trying to be taken seriously as we’re bringing Rock And Roll back to our generation, but you completely disregarded our objective. That Pitchfork review hurt our feelings. “Greta Van Fleet sounds like they did weed once.” We did it TWICE. And now we’re doing it for a 3rd time, and we’re INJECTING IT, OKAY?!?!?! And now you gotta give us a “NOT GOOD” review?! Do You WANT us to fucking die like Chester? You’ll pay for this melon. Also Ye is worse than Revival”
We ask that you pay respects for friends and family of the band as they recover from this tragedy.