By Scott Wharton
First off, I’m sad to announce the untimely death of Richard Slinger. Dick was a batty old kook who wrote sporadic bullshit, but we loved him anyway. Swallow has called me in to fill his hole, and although I’m not typically one for necrophilia, I decided to assume the position. R.I.P. Dick! Our thoughts and prayers go out to your pet duck.
Anyway what was I supposed to be talking about? Oh yeah, something something J. Cole.
J.Cole did more in one night at the NBA Dunk Contest than LeBron James has done an entire career. He even ALMOST dunked the ball, so that’s something to talk, huh? I’d like to see one of these candy-ass mumble rappers ALMOST dunk! Hmmmph!
So there’s that, ya know? The thing with the ball. Plus, he flew in the A.T.M. video so yeah, words. He’s sure to soar sir.
Oh Shit! I almost forgot to mention this dude’s running for president!
I mean, technically his German-born status should prevent him from being able to run for the presidency. But hey, if that Canadian traitor Ted Cruz can crash and burn in the presidential race, so can J. Cole!
Oh wait, you didn’t know J. Cole was born in Germany? You idiot! I thought you were a REAL J. Cole fan.
Anyways, he hasn’t chosen a political party, probably because he ain’t never did this before. But it’s ok, it’s likely he’ll join the democratic party, not because he believes in the political ideology but because he wants to honor the legacy of Mac Miller, who made a song titled “Donald Trump,” got sued by Donald Trump and then died, in that order. It’s clear Cole’s personal vendetta with Trump will see him through 2020’s competitive race.
Editor’s note: Scott was super stoned when he wrote this garbage and he’s lucky we even posted it. This was the laziest attempt at an article ever. Please let this be a lesson to you all to apply more effort than this fuckwit. A three-legged pig could have written a better article. My dead grandmother has more life than Scott. We literally had to add a section about J. Cole’s presidential run because the anthropomorphic cumstain Scott forgot to add it, as though it wasn’t an integral piece of his headline. I really hope he checks into rehab soon for his aggressive marijuana use. May God have mercy on his wretched soul. He’s not wrong tho, I would vote for J. Cole too. I mean what could be worse? Scott? Probably…
J. Cole 2020.