By Jacob Rivard
Thursday, June 6, 2019—The U.S. Census Bureau revealed its most stunning statistic to date.
Ron Jarmin, Director of the United States Census Bureau, discovered a direct link between the amount of Eminem record sales and the amount of Americans named Kyle.
“I think I speak for everyone when I say that I was not surprised by this revelation,” he began in his press release. “We’d already linked the Kyles of the world to the staggering increase in Mountain Dew consumption and drywall replacement kits, so it was only a matter of time before we found a correlation between Kyles and Eminem sales.”
The Census Bureau’s graphs show Eminem’s sales spike in 1999, 2002, 2004, 2009, and a slight dip in 2010 — right around the time Recovery was released. One could easily overlook this as merely a small blip in an otherwise commercially spectacular career, but there’s more to it than that. 2010 marked a measurable turning point for Eminem’s fanbase. Swallow Media’s Statistical Analyst Yoshi Yui has conducted a study on the Census Bureau data which suggests, despite Eminem’s continuing domination of sales and streams, there is a visible, steady decline in Eminem fans not named Kyle (see figure 1).
With these projections, we believe all Eminem fans will be named Kyle by 2023.
Perhaps not coincidentally, Mountain Dew and Monster Energy sales followed a very similar trajectory. Since 2009, data seems to link growth in sales of drywall replacement kits, stud-finders, and wife-beaters directly with Eminem’s album streams (see figures 2 and 3).
Further examination of the data reveals a berth of marketing information about your average Kyle. The Kyles of the United States make up 80% of the purchasing power at Walmart, encompassing a staggering 55% of the store’s frozen meal and energy drink sales. They typically shop during average working hours on the weekday, either lurking through the store or picking fights in the parking lot. The most staggering statistic to note is their impressive 0.1% market share on condoms, according to Walmart stores.
“It’s hard to tell what to make of this data,” Jarmin continued, clearing his throat. “Does this link all Kyles with unbearably annoying personality traits? Does their lack of condom-purchasing fill people with relief that they aren’t getting laid, or dread that they might not use protection when they land a one in a million chance with a girl? Only time will tell, I suppose.”