By Kai Hellberg
Calabasas, CA– In a surprising turn of events, R&B artist SZA was apprehended by police after picking up a to-go order at a local Red Lobster yesterday.
The Top Dawg Entertainment phenom was vexed to see six law enforcement vehicles outside the restaurant as she went to pick up her order of sirloin steak and a side of mac and cheese, one of her favorite foods. From there, she was arrested for allegedly using counterfeit cash to purchase her meal, despite her $3 million net worth and her existence as a human being.
As SZA entered the building, a white woman named Karen Smith spotted her and called 911. The 911 responder then asked her to describe the perpetrator. Without using the terms “black” or “african-american,” Smith described SZA’s clothing and hair to the responder. She reportedly dialed 911 because she glanced at SZA’s purse and suspected that the cash hanging out of it was counterfeit. Despite her being 35 feet away from SZA and having her sightline to the cash obscured by the translucent windows of the Red Lobster, Smith was certain calling 911 was the right thing to do.
As SZA waited for her order inside, Smith quickly jumped out of the bush she was hiding in and directed incoming police cars to the front of the restaurant. As SZA exited the building, she was greeted by officer Libby Bell, who would cuff her and take her to the nearby police station.
When news crews asked Smith about why she didn’t mention SZA’s race in her 911 call, she said she thought it “wasn’t important” but “still thought it was a dangerous situation.”
At press time, Top Dawg Entertainment has sent its lawyers to represent SZA in her upcoming trial. They say they plan to literally just point at SZA’s real fucking money, hoping the judges will exonerate her.