By Yoshi Yui
Miami, FL — Asahd Khaled, son of the infamous DJ Khaled, is a social media influencer. No matter how hard you try to avoid hearing about him, you will inevitably encounter him at some point. At just 2 years old, Asahd has amassed 1.8 million followers on Instagram. Like any social media influencer worth their salt, Asahd maintians the coveted lifestyle of doing pretty much nothing at all but having a really good time.
Some claim that Asahd is living in the shadow of his father, DJ Khaled. DJ is a record producer and disk jockey who, despite the protests of countless people, managed to rise to fame with his shockingly unlikeable music. We at Swallow Media didn’t want to believe the rumors, so Editor in Chief Yoshi Yui brought in Asahd for an exclusive interview.
Yoshi: Hi Asahd, thank you so much for joining us today. It’s an honor to be in the presence of one of the youngest people ever to have nearly two million followers on Instagram. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about your career and how your Instagram stardom came to be?
Asahd: Boom boom.
Y: Brilliant. Boom boom. Simply iconic. And what would you say to all the people out there claiming you’re only famous because of your father, DJ?
A: Ga ga goo ga
Y: Asahd, you are truly an old soul. What you’re suggesting is that you are a baby, and you couldn’t possibly be posting to Instagram?
A: Mum mum.
Y: Interesting. Yeah, I do see that now about your thumbs, and how you can’t really even hold a phone properly. Your grip just isn’t there. You really are just a baby aren’t you?
A: Mum mum hongy
Y: You’re hungry?
Asahd then proceeded to drool on his shirt, possibly making a statement about the failures of the capitalistic society we live in.
A: ba ba ba ba ba ba
Y: So it’s just been your father, DJ, posting, then?
Asahd seemed to stop paying attention, glancing over at the mushed carrots he hadn’t finished eating earlier. I found his gaze pensive and strong, as if he were thinking All of society just holds a carrot in front of me.
Y: You are as wise as you are incapable of speaking. Thank you so much for your time.