God Files Restraining Order Against Chance the Rapper

By Jacob Rivard & Yoshi Yui

HEAVEN. — Citing an incessant urge to mention Him at every turn, God has filed a restraining order against Chicago hip hop artist Chance the Rapper. After hearing a record-number of name-drops on Chance’s new album, God has finally decided to take action.

“It’s just too much for me, y’know?” God stated in an interview with Swallow Media. “I get that he’s into me and all, but some of these lyrics are creepy…bordering on obsessiveness. The last time he got this clingy, he dropped an entire album about me and I had to block his number for weeks. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he’d pull something like this again.”

Chance’s obsession with God began to show on the artist’s 2016 mixtape “Coloring Book,” where he references his crush across several tracks. His newest album, “The Big Day,” features countless effigies to God, including songs like “God is My Big Spoon,” “What if God and I Kissed in Heaven,” “If God Were Here, I’d Smooch Him Right on His All-Knowing Face,” and “I Wish God Was My Wife.”

God cited the following lyrics from The Big Day as the catalyst for His restraining order:

You are my boo boo, God // The one true God // I want to feel your almighty hands in my poo poo slot

When contacted about this legal action, Chance refused to comment, instead sending Swallow Media what appeared to be a doodle of him and God holding hands. This doodle seems to be part of a much larger series of doodles wherein Chance and God are playing catch, going on dates, and even getting married.

doodle

These images –along with a series of “u up?” texts Chance has sent to God over the last few years– have been used in the case to determine the length and type of restraining order Chance will receive.

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