Amazon Forces Employees to Give Ed Sheeran’s Album Five Stars

By Jacob Rivard

SEATTLE, WA.– Amazon, a global leader in having horrific working conditions, is now forcing their Fulfillment Center (FC) employees to listen to and positively review Ed Sheeran’s new album, “No. 6 Collaborations Project.”  This allegation stands atop a litany of other workplace violations Amazon has developed a reputation for. Some say that Amazon’s Sheeran Review Experience is the most innovative and horrifically diabolical working condition to date.

“This trumps every human rights violation ever recorded,” union activist Jordan Anderson said through shudders. “I’ve seen some of the worst working conditions the world has to offer, but none of them hold a candle to this new form of torture. How can you do that to another human being? Amazon clearly hired some wonderfully creative talent if they’re capable of gleaning anything positive from this dumpster fire of an album. And then to subject them to a song that features both Sheeran AND Chance the Rapper? It’s absolutely inhumane.”

According to the Human Rights Campaign’s report, Amazon FC employees are subjected to Ed Sheeran’s No. 6 Collaborations Project in three to six hour intervals, making this new program their most excruciating form of employee torture to date. Companies like Walmart and Exxon-Mobil have complained that Amazon’s company torture methods are too intense and evil for them to keep up.

These listening and blogging sessions also count as the employees lunch and restroom breaks, as listening to Ed Sheeran is technically classified within Amazon’s corporate structure as Leisure Time. “It was terrible,” one worker said through tears. “One day, they made me actually use the words ‘innovative’ and ‘impressive’ to describe the song that featured Justin Bieber. Who DOES that to their employees? I can handle the 14-hour shifts, but having to speak positively about a song devoid of any real meaning is where I draw the line.”

In the past, Amazon’s malicious workplace environments mainly stuck to relatively safe territories like subjecting their employees to albums like Drake’s Scorpion. Their Ed Sheeran program, however, has been lauded as “a vile disregard for the human ear” by even the ACLU themselves. Way to go, Amazon!

Some of the workers, on the other hand, didn’t mind the treatment.

“I mean, that new Maroon 5 album wasn’t THAT bad,” stated another anonymous worker, who had just finished their hundredth five-star review that week. The Stockholm Syndrome victim would later go on to detail how Chance the Rapper’s newest project “was pretty fun, especially that Hot Shower song”. You could see the fear in their eyes as they continued to laud Ed Sheeran’s creativity with the acoustic guitar and how his choice in guest features “were actually very creative”.

While the ACLU has filed a lawsuit against Amazon for their appalling taste in music, little can be done for their poor workers, who dread the inevitability of a new Taylor Swift album just around the corner.

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