By Kai Hellberg
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA– 28-year-old Sal Jamison was set on fire by Brock Lee, an avid MF DOOM fan, after Jamison mistakenly wrote a Facebook comment mentioning the rapper in all lowercase letters.
Taking place just last night, this is perhaps the first ever example of an actual “flame war.” The altercation was stoked when Jamison engaged in a heated debate on Facebook with Lee.
Jamison had posted a photo of MF DOOM with the caption “** **** is waaaaaaaaay too overrated. That’s why the idiot hasn’t won any Grammys yet.”
(Note: We have censored the lowercase spelling of “MF DOOM” for our own protection)
Lee, a man who speaks and writes exclusively in MF DOOM quotes, was quick to reply “Just remember all caps when you spell the man name” and Jamison then came right back with “Fuck that, man. He never earned my respect. Who cares how I spell his name?”
Lee then wrote “Might snatch ya life like assault machine rifle.”
Jamison was understandably confused by this comment, as he wasn’t sure to read this line as a spurious unnecessary quotation or a threat on his life. This prompted him to reply “What?”
Lee doubled down on his claim, stating that Jamison was about to “Get smoked like Winston Cigarettes.”
Assuming it was all a joke, Jamison left Facebook. But moments later, Lee was waiting outside his door with a can full of gas and a handful of matches.
Despite playing blatant homage to Dr. Dre, Lee proceeded to pour the gasoline on Jamison and throw a lit match on him, setting him ablaze.
Jamison screamed, repeating “I’m sorry,” as he writhed in pain. Lee would then reply “Sayin’ you’re sorry. That’s what they all say.”
Lee was then tracked down by local law enforcement and detained. As the police arrested Lee, bodycam footage recorded the perpetrator saying “Damn, caught me off guard.”
“We’re certainly taken aback by this situation, but we’re not at all surprised,” said police chief Reed Patterson. “It was an MF DOOM fan. It was in Florida. The math checks out.”
As Lee awaits his trial, Florida’s State Legislature is proposing a bill which will penalize perpetrators of MF DOOM-related crimes, doubling their fines or prison time.