WITCHITA, KS.– During a postmortem exam of multi-billionaire David Koch, forensic pathologists discovered a direct correlation between Koch’s death and The Needle Drop founder Anthony Fantano’s recent review of his album If You’re Poor, Just Get A Job. The album, criticized for its inconsistency and inaccuracies, was given a “Light 2” by Fantano. In an interview with Swallow Media, Fantano explains that the only reason it wasn’t given a “Not Good” was due to a healthy donation from the Koch Foundation.
But it seems that no amount of money can protect you from a bad review from Fantano.
On Fantano’s review, he cites a variety of criticisms over Koch, from his outdated methods to his head-scratching messages about income inequality. While the album has received praise from a wide, often right-leaning fanbase, Fantano cites the album’s lack of well-thought out ideas, emotional maturity, and general intelligence as its shortcomings.
“It’s bullshit, man,” Koch enthusiast and Kansas City Republican Mike Pompeo remarked during a press conference. “Sure, he might’ve been a bad guy, but he was changing. Sure, he made the world a much worse place than it was when he entered it, but his music was so good. So were his donations, but that’s beside the point.”
“Anthony Fantano should pay for his crimes,” Republican Senator and Koch fanboy Ted Cruz remarked in a town hall meeting this morning. “Imagine actually listening to that guy after he gave The Big Day a zero. A zero! How can you give a zero to the same album that brought us Hot Shower?”
Fantano’s review is one of many scathing critiques that have been followed by the death of an artist. Whether it’s local garbage can XXXTentacion’s light 2 score or Mac Miller’s heartbreaking 3, the ratio of low scores to deaths is rising at an alarming rate. The death of indie newcomer David Koch urges us to ponder the thought of Fantano potentially possessing a Death Note.