Lana Del Rey Awarded White Feminism Medal of Honor

VENICE, CA.,– After noting the surprising amount of press singer Lana Del Rey’s long-winded Instagram posts received, the Academy of White Feminism decided to award the artist the White Feminism Medal of Honor. Del Rey, the most recent recipient of the award, managed to beat out fellow artists Taylor Swift and The 1975 lead singer…

Grimes Announces New Project (A Baby) Named |!¤*’~“~’*¤!|

LOS ANGELES, CA.,– What better way to announce the birth of your new project than with an Instagram post? This morning, Canadian singer/songwriter/ethereal being Grimes announced her newest creative endeavor — a baby! Set to be released sometime in October 2020, her debut child, simply named |!¤*’~“~’*¤!|, will likely be visually (and sonically) different from…

Chip Skylark Releases Eminem Diss Track

DIMMSDALE.,– Looks like Nick Cannon isn’t the only one taking shots at Em. Dimmsdale popstar Chip Skylark has joined in on the beef, going after Detroit rapper and famous old man Eminem. The My Shiny Teeth and Me singer, after hearing about the Cannon-Em feud, decided to throw his own hat into the mix in…

Baby Yoda Starts Receiving Texts from Drake

DAGOBAH SYSTEM., — Hollywood’s youngest starlet has a new fan: Canadian rapper Drake! Baby Yoda, the incredibly young, Force-sensitive being from the Star Wars universe, recently shared his sudden friendship with Drake in an exclusive interview with Swallow Media. “Texted me multiple times, he has,” said Baby Yoda, who still needs his diapers changed to…

We Asked Each Democratic Candidate What They Think of Frank Ocean

HOUSTON, TX.– For nearly 7 hours, Democratic presidential candidates spent their evenings discussing their stances on climate, foreign policy, and the future of the United States. While the crowd posed a variety of thought-provoking questions, no question invoked further discussion than the one raised by our Swallow Media columnist Jake Rivard. During each candidate’s row…

Forensic Evidence Reveals Anthony Fantano Gave David Koch’s Album 2/10

WITCHITA, KS.– During a postmortem exam of multi-billionaire David Koch, forensic pathologists discovered a direct correlation between Koch’s death and The Needle Drop founder Anthony Fantano’s recent review of his album If You’re Poor, Just Get A Job. The album, criticized for its inconsistency and inaccuracies, was given a “Light 2” by Fantano. In an interview…

BREAKING: Tinder Date Also Loves The Office

DETROIT, MI — As if the universe itself played a role in their meeting, local Tinder matches Peter Novak and Mary Anderson found out that they both share a lot of similar interests — including their love for the hit NBC series The Office. “It was crazy. Never in my life have I met someone…

God Files Restraining Order Against Chance the Rapper

Citing an incessant urge to mention Him at every turn, God has filed a restraining order against Chicago rapper Chance the Rapper. With a record number of name drops of God on Chance’s new album, God has finally decided to take action.

Guy With Orange Beanie “Stoked” to Show You Band You Already Know

NEW YORK, NY. — With an American Spirit in one hand and an iPhone with a cracked screen in the other, local barista Tyler Johnson continues his five-minute lecture on artists you should listen to. You’ve reminded him multiple times that you know all of the artists, but your participation doesn’t seem to deter him….