T.I. has Doctor Check if Daughter is a Witch to Burn at the Stake

By Yoshi Yui

Rapper-turned-witch-hunter T.I. details his strenuous routine of and identifying and vanquishing witches and banishing them back to the depths of hell.

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We Asked Each Democratic Candidate What They Think of Frank Ocean

HOUSTON, TX.– For nearly 7 hours, Democratic presidential candidates spent their evenings discussing their stances on climate, foreign policy, and the future of the United States. While the crowd posed a variety of thought-provoking questions, no question invoked further discussion than the one raised by our Swallow Media columnist Jake Rivard. During each candidate’s row…

Forensic Evidence Reveals Anthony Fantano Gave David Koch’s Album 2/10

WITCHITA, KS.– During a postmortem exam of multi-billionaire David Koch, forensic pathologists discovered a direct correlation between Koch’s death and The Needle Drop founder Anthony Fantano’s recent review of his album If You’re Poor, Just Get A Job. The album, criticized for its inconsistency and inaccuracies, was given a “Light 2” by Fantano. In an interview…

MF DOOM Fan Sets Man on Fire for Not Spelling Rapper’s Name in All Caps

By Kai Hellberg SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA– 28-year-old Sal Jamison was set on fire by Brock Lee, an avid MF DOOM fan, after Jamison mistakenly wrote a Facebook comment mentioning the rapper in all lowercase letters. Taking place just last night, this is perhaps the first ever example of an actual “flame war.” The altercation was…

God Files Restraining Order Against Chance the Rapper

Citing an incessant urge to mention Him at every turn, God has filed a restraining order against Chicago rapper Chance the Rapper. With a record number of name drops of God on Chance’s new album, God has finally decided to take action.

Guy With Orange Beanie “Stoked” to Show You Band You Already Know

NEW YORK, NY. — With an American Spirit in one hand and an iPhone with a cracked screen in the other, local barista Tyler Johnson continues his five-minute lecture on artists you should listen to. You’ve reminded him multiple times that you know all of the artists, but your participation doesn’t seem to deter him….