We Ranked the BTS Members By Their Confirmed Kills

Fans worldwide had a meltdown when it became public knowledge that the superstar K-Pop boyband BTS would be completing their mandatory military service like any other member of their community.

Baby Yoda Starts Receiving Texts from Drake

DAGOBAH SYSTEM., — Hollywood’s youngest starlet has a new fan: Canadian rapper Drake! Baby Yoda, the incredibly young, Force-sensitive being from the Star Wars universe, recently shared his sudden friendship with Drake in an exclusive interview with Swallow Media. “Texted me multiple times, he has,” said Baby Yoda, who still needs his diapers changed to…

We Asked Each Democratic Candidate What They Think of Frank Ocean

HOUSTON, TX.– For nearly 7 hours, Democratic presidential candidates spent their evenings discussing their stances on climate, foreign policy, and the future of the United States. While the crowd posed a variety of thought-provoking questions, no question invoked further discussion than the one raised by our Swallow Media columnist Jake Rivard. During each candidate’s row…

Forensic Evidence Reveals Anthony Fantano Gave David Koch’s Album 2/10

WITCHITA, KS.– During a postmortem exam of multi-billionaire David Koch, forensic pathologists discovered a direct correlation between Koch’s death and The Needle Drop founder Anthony Fantano’s recent review of his album If You’re Poor, Just Get A Job. The album, criticized for its inconsistency and inaccuracies, was given a “Light 2” by Fantano. In an interview…

MF DOOM Fan Sets Man on Fire for Not Spelling Rapper’s Name in All Caps

By Kai Hellberg SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA– 28-year-old Sal Jamison was set on fire by Brock Lee, an avid MF DOOM fan, after Jamison mistakenly wrote a Facebook comment mentioning the rapper in all lowercase letters. Taking place just last night, this is perhaps the first ever example of an actual “flame war.” The altercation was…