WITCHITA, KS.– During a postmortem exam of multi-billionaire David Koch, forensic pathologists discovered a direct correlation between Koch’s death and The Needle Drop founder Anthony Fantano’s recent review of his album If You’re Poor, Just Get A Job. The album, criticized for its inconsistency and inaccuracies, was given a “Light 2” by Fantano. In an interview…
BREAKING: Tinder Date Also Loves The Office
DETROIT, MI — As if the universe itself played a role in their meeting, local Tinder matches Peter Novak and Mary Anderson found out that they both share a lot of similar interests — including their love for the hit NBC series The Office. “It was crazy. Never in my life have I met someone…
MF DOOM Fan Sets Man on Fire for Not Spelling Rapper’s Name in All Caps
By Kai Hellberg SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA– 28-year-old Sal Jamison was set on fire by Brock Lee, an avid MF DOOM fan, after Jamison mistakenly wrote a Facebook comment mentioning the rapper in all lowercase letters. Taking place just last night, this is perhaps the first ever example of an actual “flame war.” The altercation was…
Amazon Forces Employees to Give Ed Sheeran’s Album Five Stars
A shocking look at the Amazon Warehouse in Seattle revealed, among a litany of horrific working conditions, a room where employees have been forced to listen to and positively review Ed Sheeran’s newest album.
God Files Restraining Order Against Chance the Rapper
Citing an incessant urge to mention Him at every turn, God has filed a restraining order against Chicago rapper Chance the Rapper. With a record number of name drops of God on Chance’s new album, God has finally decided to take action.
Guy With Orange Beanie “Stoked” to Show You Band You Already Know
NEW YORK, NY. — With an American Spirit in one hand and an iPhone with a cracked screen in the other, local barista Tyler Johnson continues his five-minute lecture on artists you should listen to. You’ve reminded him multiple times that you know all of the artists, but your participation doesn’t seem to deter him….
A$AP Rocky Takes Bold Stance Against Sexual Predators That Aren’t His Friends
By Jacob Babcock It’s been a tumultuous week for A$AP Rocky. The New York rapper is currently being held under investigation for assault in Sweden following an altercation between him and another group of men who had allegedly “followed us for 4 blocks, and slapp[ed] girls butts who passed” (A$AP Rocky on Instagram). So, given…
