By Jacob Rivard ATLANTA, GA. — After months of research, a team of linguists from Harvard have finally uncovered the secret behind Playboi Carti’s mysterious manner of speaking. “We had to look everywhere — and I mean everywhere,” Chief Linguistics Officer Brianne Twiddy began, shuffling through a large stack of paperwork. “We tried to translate his…
SZA arrested for buying food with her own money
Calabasas, CA– In a surprising turn of events, R&B artist SZA was apprehended by police after picking up a to-go order at a local Red Lobster yesterday. The Top Dawg Entertainment phenom was vexed to see six law enforcement vehicles outside the restaurant as she went to pick up her order of sirloin steak and…
Beyonce Caught Not Smiling During Basketball. Is Jay-Z Cheating Again?
As we all know, Beyonce should be held to the same standard as any other woman: be smiling all the time.
Eminem Sales Directly Correlate with People Named Kyle
Ron Jarmin, Director of the United States Census Bureau, discovered a direct link between the amount of Eminem record sales and the amount of Americans named Kyle.
XXL 2019 Freshman Class to Include Billy Ray Cyrus, Trent Reznor, Paul McCartney
By Jacob Rivard After months of anticipation, publication XXL has finally released the 2019 Freshman Class. This new crop of hip-hop’s future stars is set to include up-and-comers like “Old Town Road” guest Billy Ray Cyrus, “FourFiveSeconds” co-writer Paul McCartney, and producer Trent Reznor. Each bring something unique to the table with their own rapping…
J. Cole Entering 2020 Dunk Contest and Presidential Election
By Scott Wharton First off, I’m sad to announce the untimely death of Richard Slinger. Dick was a batty old kook who wrote sporadic bullshit, but we loved him anyway. Swallow has called me in to fill his hole, and although I’m not typically one for necrophilia, I decided to assume the position. R.I.P. Dick!…
Grammys Opinon: It’s Okay XXXTentacion, There’s Always Next Year!
By Jacob Rivard The 2018 Grammy Awards had a lot of winners and losers, but no artist lost more than hip hop legend XXXTentacion. Last year, we were blessed with not one, but two piles of garbage from our Rap Messiah. Shockingly, neither of X’s feigned attempts at creating music were nominated for a Grammy….
Kanye West to Release Fart-Inspired Reissue of 808s & Heartbreak Titled “808s & Fart-break”
Kanye has unveiled a new project that is sure to reshape the landscape of hip hop
Thanks, Legal System! 6ix9ine Facing Jail Time After Judge Finally Learns How To Pronounce His Name
By Jacob Babcock It’s been a big year for rising rap star “Tekashi 6ix9ine,” but not all of the buzz he’s been receiving has been good. In fact, the rapper has come under fire for committing a few “crimes” including but not limited to use of a child in a sexual performance and now armed…
EXPOSED: Beyonce caught publicly beating Blue Ivy at school’s potato sack race
Seeing as Beyonce is an adult, it was somewhat questionable for her to be participating in the race at all.
Swallow Media 